“Fitter, Happier, More Productive…”

Credit to: http://www.audreydevantay.ch/en/works/

There’s nothing quite like having everything going your way. Waking up right on time and when you are supposed to, getting that fresh cup of coffee or just powering through successfully whatever you need to. Catching the bus right on time, making sure you have your appropriate pills with you, not looking anyone in the eye. Talking only to yourself, listening to the instructions of what you should do before you get to work. Getting all of your creative elements “out of your system” before you “come in” so you can focus better on what really matters: Work.

Yes, there’s nothing quite like everything going right. Walking into your office and saying hello or a grunt to your fellow co-workers, before walking over calmly and confidently to your desk. After all, you got the recommended amount of sleep and thus are the best prepared for your job. All of your co-workers have the latest treadmill desks so they can maximize how much exercise they are doing and some of them just have the standing desks so they can get up, once in a while.

Your boss knows to show you respect and lets you think mindful thoughts every once in a while. There’s a sushi bar at your work building and you aren’t going to be late for the gym today! You decide to do the optimum number of cardio even though you like running and would rather be outside. Your co-workers are smiling more and thinking positive affirmations of themselves while living in the moment. Roses are growing out of their heads.

The windows are letting the sun in so everyone’s melatonin rates can be kept at steady and consistent paces. Everyone had a hearty meal with the basic essentials that is going to let them work as effectively as possible. The people at the desk have their laptop backgrounds set to the most relaxing images possible and are custom-built.

The building itself is made out of recycled materials only. It only emits safe gases to go out into the atmosphere. The more buildings that do this, the healthier the planet will be. Soon, we won’t even have to even worry about global warming anymore. All you’ll have to worry about is whether you got that memo from your boss’s boss.

There is perfect gender equity in both employees and management. The women can now boss around the men and the men can do so as well. The bathrooms are non-gendered and everyone is free to go into whatever restroom they want because this relieves anxiety for everyone. It also increases productivity in the workforce, studies have shown.

Everyone makes the same wages for the same work and those who do more, get paid a little more. But not on the basis of institutionalized favoritism or nepotism but simple rationality. The clocks don’t lie and neither do the people who keep track of their ticking hands. Those people tend to be managers and not the employees, but that’s fine.

You had a good breakfast today.

It was two eggs and a few slices of toast. You had some milk with it, or it was orange justice? Whatever was most productive and effective for a healthy diet. And what’s a healthy diet but the one laid out in the manual for your job? There are also plenty of ways to stay optimally efficient while working. You can keep all of your staples, pens and personal items of interest and make your job space your own. Your space is your own, says your boss.

None of the offices have any barriers. You can see all of your co-workers and they are never distracted and always focused on their four hour work days. Smartphones are not only allowed but encouraged and people are allowed to wear whatever clothes they desire as well. Women frequently come dressed in luxurious skirts and frilly dresses and no one speaks a word about anyone getting “distracted” and losing their concentration for hours at a time.

It’s been discovered that self-expression is the best for the company. So they’ve allowed you to come in and say hello to the manager once a week. It’s a real “open door policy” and you can just say hi as if they’re your best friend! You’ve given them the same policy idea a few times now, but they’ve never taken action.

It must just not be very productive or optimal for the company, I guess.

That’s okay. It’s what’s best for the company anyhow, right? You don’t need to worry about your own individual interest anymore because these firms have figured out how much sleep you need, what you need to eat, how long you need to work and anything else so you can be productive!

And not so you can be “productive” getting a flow state while doing things you enjoy or love, that’s for the hour or so when you get in. You should scramble and just manage to get all of your creative ideas you want to act on in the (late) morning that way you can work the next three hours straight without breaks or a lunch. It’s cost-effective!

It’s also been shown that the transaction costs for bigger and more bureaucratic firms have been steadily rising. And so your firm has decided in the interest of more decentralization and transparency to downsize and fire some of the employees. But it’s okay, because you haven’t been let go and have been assured it was so optimal production could continue. This way the competitors with their own mindfulness meditation sessions, yoga hall and gymnasium can finally be outdone in this great race towards going the best we can – for the company.

Freedom is a fine thing and it should be kept at whatever cost.

But the studies are in and the data has revealed what is effective and what isn’t. The studies have been peer reviewed and relied on by managers and many other Experts who have been at this for decades. Who are you to judge?

You go home to your two-room apartment with your domestic partner. They tell you while wearing gender non-conforming clothes that they had the most optimal day possible. That all of their tasks at work were completed to everyone’s satisfaction. That all of the useful things were done throughout the day and there was nothing to complain about.

And you smile.

Because life has been optimized for Everyone.

Credit to The Radiohead song, Fitter Happier for inspiration as well as some articles I read today on how to best optimize work practices for the “workers” benefit.

If you enjoyed this bit of non-fiction, feel free to donate to my Patreon.

Maybe I’ll continue some stuff like this in the future…

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