I was going to write about Autopilot and finish my chapter by chapter review of it, but it seems irresponsible now.

Now that protesters have not only been injured but killed by white supremacists. A full-on hateful mob with tiki torches and Nazis salutes at night and mowing down counter-protesters during the day. The paradox here is great; that in the night Nazis would rather symbolically demonstrate their violence, but in the day, all bets are off.

They’re either stupid or too full of bravado to know better, likely both.

The paralyzing thing about this is that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say or what words would best transmit my feelings of heartbreaking sorrow. I’m literally just typing this out as I go because that’s all I feel I can do. I don’t know whether it’s right to punch Nazis or whether it’s strategically a good idea. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to have a hatred of Nazis and to bury this deep in our hearts, always keeping it ready, like a knife.

That knife has always seemed a double-edged one to me. It’s always occurred to me as a counterintuitive way to fight Nazis because hate and violence are the things they understand best. Trying to assert power over fascists almost seems like a game of trying to vote the state away. Operating on others terms and conditions seems fruitless.

But I also feel ashamed to think thoughts like these. Even as much as I abhor violence I recognize that Nazis of all stripes do not recognize or respect peaceful protest. They do not care what form the counter-protests take so long as they can overpower them with machinery of death or the hurtful racism and white supremacy that make up their language. Running someone over and then backing up to run them over again is just a four letter word, perfectly allowed.

And so maybe power is the only language Nazis understand and speak. Perhaps it’s the only way to contain and counter them is to punch them in the face until they stop being dangerous assholes. I’m certainly not against people arming themselves with whatever they need so they feel safe from Nazis so they can defend themselves, if need be.

But is that enough? I don’t know. And it makes me feel sick inside to not know what the answer is here. To not know the best way to counter all of this clear and very much present danger to people whom I love and care about. To not understand or know enough to feel comfortable in giving strategic prescriptions. An unlit pharmacy.

I’ve felt lost politically for what feels like a long time and events like this only deepen my confusion about what exactly I’m supposed to be doing right now. Should I be going to these protests? Should I write more? Read more? Learn some sort of skill related to these protests? What the fuck should I be doing right now to make the world a better place?

And right now, I don’t know. And it upsets me to feel so much hurt, confusion and loss when this happens all of the time and has happened so many times throughout history. And it will continue to happen so long as white people refuse to speak up or let paralysis take them. I don’t blame anyone for letting paralysis take charge, it’s easy enough to do.

But eventually you need to say or do something even if it’s nothing much of anything. Even if the letters and words you type seem utter tripe and lack any sort of meaning. Even if every keystroke seems like a lost cause. Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you care. Tell someone how much this hurts you and that you’re fucking scared for yourself and for everyone else in a society where people like this can operate freely.

Operate freely while the police treat counter-protesters like criminals without juries or trials. Like criminals without sentences and judges. Like criminals without warrants or probable cause. Like criminals without prisons, making their entire lives a gigantic prison for them to suffocate under. A giant landmass of marble filling their throats.

Like criminals. Like criminals who deserve to be run over by cars and injured by white supremacists. Like criminals, while the real goddamn criminals are left to parade around the streets. Maybe because deep in their hear the police know that they have a lot in common with the white supremacists. Maybe because the cops are fucking racists too.

And it sickens me and upsets me. I wish I had some glorious tip guide for revolutionaries. I wish I knew the right words to say at all times and on all points so these fascists could just fuck off. I’m sure there are books I could have read in the span of time that I didn’t so I could have seen things like this coming. So I could have seen the growing tensions and splits between those who either are or are complicit with white supremacy coming from miles away.

For now I’m just going to keep pretending like someone out there has an answer. An answer I can finally look to and think, “There it is, there’s the answer for how to respond to these fascists.” But I’m sorry to say I don’t have that right now and I can only encourage people to not give this hate any credence. It deserves all of the protesting it is getting and a lot more from so many people and in so many different ways. I just don’t know the best way.

There’s dispute over who the driver was and whether they were alt-right or not. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Whether it was reckless driving or an alt-right fascist intentionally hitting people the alt-right have blood on their hands for starting the damn protest in the first place. For hitting people over the head and pushing them out of their way.

They can add it to the blood they already spilled building their shitty movement.

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