Today after going to bed around 1:45 AM, I woke up around 10:15 and desperately wanted to go back to sleep. I’m preparing for a new job(!) that I’m going to love but it requires waking up in the morning. The job doesn’t start for another week but I want to make sure I can at least reliably wake up a little before 9 (8:30? 8:45?).
Waking up like this and constantly shifting my sleep schedule around, taking naps and feeling like I’m a zombie has been putting me out recently. In addition, my eczema has been rearing it’s ugly (and I do mean ugly) head on my right hand as well as my left (mostly my right in case you’re curious).
My work schedule at my shit job has been all over the place thanks to my original anticipation of having it while I’m at school, but instead I have a new job to look forward to. Adding that to my life has also made it difficult to feel a certain level of grounded that I, like anyone, want to feel in my life. But as Buddhism teaches me, that’s a lie anyways.
I don’t ever really feel grounded from moment to moment. Many things are transitory and I make my way through them at (mostly) my own pace, unless I have little choice otherwise. At my shit job I often have diminished or even no choice about how quickly or slowly I get things done, so I generally half-ass things and hope my managers don’t notice.
But if I’m home, then I can say something at 12 PM like, “Well, after I watch these few Youtube videos and watch porn I can get to writing…right after my electrolysis appointment.” And then still not get to it until about 4 PM when I have a nice nap, which I only took after going to the convenience store and buying that junk food I said I wouldn’t buy today.
All of this is to say that I have a reputation for being lazy. It’s what I feel in my bones and it’s often what I strive towards. I did mostly nothing yesterday yet I still read 4-5 chapters of a book, took notes on them, read several articles about the cult(?) of radical honesty before deciding that it was a bit too much for me.
In addition to that I spent my night playing video games and completing a challenging section followed by watching a scary movie and spending time with my lovely partner. But this was a “non-productive” day in my mind. Despite the fact that I did all of these things, fed myself, took basic care of myself and continued to function despite my mistakes.
It’s easy for me to discount myself and what I do on a day to day basis. If I’m being extremely honest (I like some aspects of radical honesty after all) I mostly go around in life feeling like I haven’t done much. This site is perhaps one of my greatest achievements and sometimes, in my mind, I may as well have ruined it. Yet, I keep going anyways.
Why? Probably because I enjoy having an outlet for writing and enjoy having some sort of audience that respects the work I do and appreciates the things I say. It makes me feel important on some level and the sort of feedback I get from readers (negative or positive) is considered as I continue on with this site.
Is this site going to go on forever? Unlikely. Eventually I’ll get too busy with college and my new job (which I want to do well at) and my posts here will become much more sporadic. I’ll try to finish Working (the book) and complete the series of work-critical/anti-work books I have, as well as everything on my “Abolish Work To-Do List” but I don’t know past that.
I’ve already written a book and heck, I’ve been writing on this site for almost five years now. Isn’t that crazy? And yet, I still see myself as a pretty lazy person. But the truth is, when I care about something (or someone) I really put a lot of hard work into making that thing work. Whether it’s this website, my relationships or the video games I play.
Sometimes I give up on these things like I have recently with playing bass guitar. But part of me still misses it and knows it’s just in my closet if I ever want to get back into it. I know I’m a bit of a procrastinator (though I’ve met worse) and when I don’t feel like doing something it damn well shows and then some. But when I do care, that shows as well.
And the reason nothing really shows at my shit job isn’t because I’m a lazy SOB (though maybe I am) but because the job sucks and I hate it. I’m not being paid enough, working with customers is frustrating and generally not rewarding and actually putting in the hard work and giving my all doesn’t seem to net me much personal benefit.
I just have no incentive to work hard. At least with this site I get some level of appreciation, respect and acknowledgement from my peers, however muted (and rightfully so) it may be at this point. I also just really love writing and even if no one was reading this, I’d probably still do it for my own sense of well-being.
So am I lazy? Yes and no.
I’m not so lazy when I have things I care about but I am exceedingly lazy when it’s the opposite. I think part of that is just my ability to not hide my emotions. It’s hard for me to mask what I feel about what I’m doing at any given time so it’s not like I can effectively suppress my emotions about hating my job or the like.
Still, most folks see me as generally lazy, but people who know me well enough know my “lazy” lifestyle only really applies to things I hate. When it comes to things I love, I’m a lot of business and hard work where it counts. People who really know me know that about me, but most of y’all probably just think I’m a dirty slacker…and maybe I am.
Anyways, this was all prompted by this article in The Cut where someone asked Polly why they’re lazy.
Take a look at it here.
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